Julius Root's Guide to Dating
by E.N.HA
Summary: The real question is, how does Julius Root know enough about dating to write a dating guide?
1. JR's GtD Rules

**OFFICIAL REPORT TO THE COUNCIL: DATING IN THE LEP _by Commander Julius Root_**

Ever since Lili Frond became involved in the LEP, the issue of police dating has been one of the Council's (and my) chief annoyances. With two females currently holding rank (Commander Vinyaya and Captain Short) this is something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Therefore I have compiled this report to hopefully shed some light on the situation.

**MY RULES FOR DATING:**

1. Don't do it.

2. Don't do it.

3. Don't do it.

4. If you lack the self-control to follow these three guidelines, my advice is to only date outside the LEP.

5. If you already have your eye on a fellow police member, proceed, but with two exceptions: don't date Commander Vinyaya or Captain Short. I will fire you.

6. Why not Commander Vinyaya? She's too busy (i.e. her affections are already *cough* engaged).

7. Why not Captain Short? She's also too busy (i.e. any of you idiotic young louts try anything – ahem, I mean jeopardize her career – I'll personally beat your heads in).

8. If you want to date Corporal Lili Frond, your standards are waaaay too low and I should consider demoting you.

9. If you're a male and the police officer you want to date is not one of these females, then you're going to have to handle it yourself.

10. My advice to female officers, present and future, is: don't date anyone in the LEP. Trust me, the uniforms look good on us but we're all a bunch of idiots. Well, most of us are. There might be two or three who aren't morons. Maybe one or two. Maybe just one.

11. If you insist on dating, DON'T MARRY.

12. If you insist on marrying, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

13. If you insist on having kids, ENROLL THEM IN THE ACADEMY. Hopefully you have lots of male kids.

14. If you take one of the two female officers on a date, don't buy drinks. I don't want them getting in an accident on the way home.

15. To the female officers: if you date someone, be sure to at least bring a buzz baton along to keep them in line. Maybe a Neutrino, depending on their reputation. Possibly have Foaly plant tracking devices on everybody. Keep a line open to a Retrieval squad in case you need help dumping a truculent date.

16. Don't date cross-species. It's more trouble than it's worth. This is good if you're an elf. If you're not, your life sucks anyway, so you should be used to it.

I thought it might also be helpful to give my personal opinion on dating as a seasoned officer. After all, I certainly have enough experience to speak with authority on this matter.

**MY PERSONAL OPINION OF DATING:**

1. Dating sucks. Trust me. It's a gargantuan waste of time.

2. Dating detracts from your focus. Focus is everything. You didn't join the LEP to meet females, seeing as it's extremely unlikely that you will meet any at all. If you're a sprite, you live to meet females, so this theory doesn't apply.

3. Dating drains your energy for the job. An appropriate use of your free time is to put in extra hours on a simulator, read up on weapon manuals, do weight training, spend quality time thinking negative thoughts about your least favourite criminals, or cancel your request for a pay increase. All these things make an ideal officer. Dating does not.

4. Last of all, just remember: dating is for sops, not cops. I'm a crack LEPrecon and I have absolutely no room in my brain for sentimentalism, as my brain can hold one thing at a time and one thing only. I highly recommend this state for everybody.

My summary of this report, therefore, is this: If you want to climb the police ladder, don't date.


	2. JR's GtD The Prank

**Part 1: The Prank**

**(a)**

"Come on, Holly, do it."

"No, Foaly."

"You know you want to."

"I know I don't! Commander Root will have my badge!"

"He'll never know. Come on, do it."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"What's the matter, you don't have the guts?"

Pause.

"Okay, fine. But if I get fired..."

"You won't. Just trust me."

**(b)**

Root threw the door to his office wide open. "CAPTAIN SHORT, GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE RIGHT NOW!" he roared, face bright red.

Holly's first instinct was to hide under her desk. Then she realized that if Root already knew she had done it, he could fire her from a distance just as easily. She rose and went over to him, cringing internally. "Yessir?" she said meekly.

He didn't say anything, just jabbed one finger at his office. She slunk past him and stood in front of his desk. The sound of the door slamming made her jump.

Root stalked over to his desk. He pointed at the plasma screen and Holly instantly knew that her life was over. "Captain Short, do you care to tell me what THAT is?"

Holly looked at the screen. "It's, uh, a dating site, sir," she muttered, averting her eyes.

She could hear the crimson complexion in Root's voice. "A DATING site, Short. A DATING site! Now let me ask, what is my name doing on a _dating site_, hm, Short? What?"

Holly was torn between finding it funny and being scared right to the tips of her pointy ears. "Uh, I don't know, sir," she mumbled. "Seems improbable."

"Don't give me that, Short," Root snarled. "I know it was you. I had one of the techies trace it."

"What?" cried Holly. "Foaly said he wouldn't..."

Oops. Root's face turned purple. Holly couldn't help wondering if today was the day his heart would explode. "Foaly didn't trace it, Short. But I appreciate you ratting on him. Now you won't be alone in your harsh and demeaning punishment."

Suddenly there was a ping. Root glared at Holly, then turned to the screen. "What the...?" he muttered, clicking on a flashing icon on the dating site. "What's this?"

His face suddenly turned a horrible shade of greenish-purple. Holly was fascinated. She had never seen this particular mixture before. "Sir, what's wrong?" she asked, afraid to know but curious all the same.

Root whirled around, breathing hard. "IT MATCHED ME WITH VINYAYA!" he roared, eyes bulging. "HOW AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO HER?"

Holly frowned. "Sir, I highly doubt Vinyaya is the kind of person to put her name on a dating site."

They stared at each other for a moment. Then they turned to the door.

"FOALY!"


	3. JR's GtD The Arrest

**Part 2: The Arrest **

Holly stood in the station, making notes on the raid she'd just come from. The LEP had gotten a tip on a restaurant that was secretly smuggling illegal fish products. They'd nabbed in everyone in the joint, a good haul. Most of the customers would be fined and sent home, but the owners would be facing lengthy jail sentences.

A sprite hurried up to Holly, face a pasty green. "Captain, I think you should see something," he said, looking like he might throw up. "It's urgent."

Holly frowned and followed him to the jail cells. "What's wrong, Lieutenant?"

He stopped next to one and pointed. "In there, Captain. He demanded to see you right away."

Holly looked through the bars and almost fainted. There, standing in the middle of the cell, was Commander Root. His face was a healthy purple.

She hardly knew how to process the sight. "Commander!" she gasped, horrified. "What are you _doing_ in there?"

"What in Frond's name do you _think_ I'm doing?" Root roared, storming up to the bars. "The cancan? My own men arrested me in that restaurant! Me, a decorated LEP commander! And I don't even like fish!"

"Why on earth were you at a restaurant?" she cried, notes forgotten.

"I secretly work the evening shift to earn a few extra coins," he drawled sarcastically. "I was _eating_, Short. I had no idea the place was running an illegal operation."

"I know, sir," Holly said miserably. "The LEP only got tipped a few hours ago."

There were sounds of a scuffle at the entrance and two officers approached, dragging a criminal between them. The criminal lifted her head. It was Commander Raine Vinyaya.

Holly could only stare as the elf was thrown into Root's cell. "_Commander?_"

"Gods, Root, that's the last time I date you," Vinyaya growled, punching his shoulder viciously. "Why did I let you talk me into it?"

"I don't know!" Root shouted, face red as a Christmas light bulb. "Why did you?"

"Perfect," Vinyaya groaned, sliding down the wall to the floor. "This is the most humiliating night of my life."

"I know what you mean," Root said, holding his face in his hands. "I never thought I'd get locked up in my own jail cell."

"And getting caught dating you...well, I can't think of a worse punishment."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" cried Root, offended.

Holly shook her head, dazed. "Wait a minute. You two are dating?"

"No, and if you spread that around I'll have your badge," Vinyaya warned. "You and Foaly posted our names on that dating site and it matched us. We just thought we might as well try it."

"We got busted together," Root said, sinking onto the cot. "I know you like action, Vinyaya, but..."

"Yeah, the twenty armed LEP officers pointing guns at my head really turned me on," Vinyaya said. "And when they violently wrestled me to the ground I got so romantic that I was tempted to elope with you."

"Frond, I'm sorry, Commanders," Holly said, feeling like she might vomit. Root and Vinyaya dating? Was that even legal? "I guess you'll have to stay here tonight. I'll see what can be done to spring you."

"You better hurry," Vinyaya said, giving Root the evil eye. "I don't want to stay in this cell with him."

"Why not, Commander?" a cheeky eavesdropping officer chirped. "I think it's kind of romantic. For your dinner tonight, do you want candlelight and soft music?"

Holly pushed him out of the room. If he'd stayed he would have been doubly fired. "Listen, Commanders, just hang tight. We'll get you out of there."


	4. JR's GtD The Tribunal

**Part 3: The Tribunal**

"This meeting has officially come to order," Cahartez said, banging on the large conference-room table. "The Council is gathered here today because two of the LEP's distinguished commanders have been incarcerated under suspicious circumstances. We feel that this is hardly acceptable. On Captain Short's suggestion we have agreed to review the case here instead of in court. If the defendants can prove that they were really on an innocent date, then the charges will be dropped."

"This is your brilliant plan?" Root groaned.

"Captain Short and Foaly have agreed to defend the accused."

"Do I have to stay for this?" Vinyaya asked, looking at the smirking Foaly with disgust.

"Yes. Captain, Foaly, you may begin."

Holly stood. "We've compiled a list of usual dating practices that would prove someone had been on a date. We also obtained the tape from the restaurant. It shows Root and Vinyaya seated together. Unfortunately there's no sound."

"No problem," said Foaly, trotting over to a screen and pulling up the video. "We'll just analyse the visual. Okay, they walk into the restaurant. Vinyaya holds the door for Root. Oooooh, romantic dating practice number one."

"Foaly," Holly warned, glancing at the fuming Root.

Foaly was not about to take a hint. "They sit down. Root helps Vinyaya with her chair, she slaps him. Root smiles dopily."

"They both sit down," Holly repeated hurriedly. "Root apparently suggests an item on the menu. Vinyaya squints her eyes and says something..."

There was a pause while Holly read the commander's lips. Her eyes widened. "Uh, never mind," she muttered, fast-forwarding a few seconds. "Nobody needs to see that. Root smiles again...dopily." She shrugged. "Sorry, sir. It's true and it builds your case."

Root dropped his face into his hands. "Gods, can't I just die instead?"

Foaly paused the tape and looked closer. "Hey, check this out. Prime dating practice right here. Root attempts to hold Vinyaya's hand." He clicked it forward a few frames. "And the prime dating response: she bends his fingers backward."

Root massaged his hand as Vinyaya smirked. "I was trying to be nice."

"Here's news, Julius: you failed." Foaly pressed play. "Root tries to order for both of them and gets punched in the arm. Ouch, that's a knuckle-splitter."

"Stick to the point, Foaly," Holly snapped. "It's a dating practice: the male orders for both people. And look, he ordered red toadstool wine. Very chic, very expensive. That could make the case right there. Who would order expensive wine on a fake date?"

"Commander Root wouldn't even order expensive wine on a real date," Foaly said. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there's something very suspicious here."

"Shut up, Foaly. We're trying to bail them, not jail them." Holly snatched the remote and rolled through the tape. "They wait for the food, have a half-decent conversation –" She didn't mention the obscene gibe Vinyaya managed to slip in midway. Lip-reading was not always a desirable skill, though it made for a humorous tribunal. "The food arrives and Root politely waits for Vinyaya to start first. Oh, no, that's the next table. Root digs in without waiting for Vinyaya. Vinyaya looks pleased."

"She looks like that because she's just stuffed a hot piece of fish down his shirt," Foaly said, grabbing a second remote and pausing the video. "Wow, I've never seen Root's face quite that shape before."

"Hm, the prank appears to have sparked some mutual feelings of attraction," Holly noted. "Good evidence."

"Hot fish does that to me too," Foaly said. "Especially trout. What a turn-on."

Holly rolled her eyes and played the video again. "They lean closer. Root finally manages to slip his hand around Vinyaya's. They kiss." She stopped short. "They _WHAT?_"

"The camera caught that?" Root yelled, chair clattering to the floor as he leapt to his feet. "Gods, can't two sets of lips ever meet in peace anymore?"

"My name is Lips. I come in peace," Foaly said, then burst into giggles. "Oh, this is too good. I'm selling this for sure. Wait until Mulch gets his paws on it."

Root was at his throat in a second. "Don't even think about it, donkey-boy," he said, voice low and seething. "You're not _that_ valuable to the LEP."

Vinyaya was on the other side. "Open your mouth and you're dead, tech-head. I swear it."

Holly tried to pry them off. "Please, Commanders, this isn't helping. Foaly won't talk. If he does I'll make sure he loses a hoof."

"Sheesh, people," Foaly said as the commanders sat, glaring fiercely. "I'm surrounded by police officers and I've just been threatened three times. Is there any logic to that?"

"Sir, is there any possibility of ending this tribunal?" Holly asked Cahartez, tone pleading. "I think we've presented enough evidence to exonerate the commanders."

Cahartez had to take a moment to stop laughing. "I agree," he said once he had regained control. "Let's take an official vote now. All in favour of dropping charges, raise your hand."

Everyone raised their hands except Foaly, who was busy watching the LEP bust. "This is sweet stuff," he observed, watching Root punch out some poor private. "I bet you've always wanted to do that, Julius."

"I want to do it now," he said through gritted teeth. "Come on, Vinyaya, let's get out of here."

"And where would we be going?" she asked. Holly could swear she batted her eyelashes.

Root grunted, not sounding entirely displeased. "We never finished that dinner. I hate to waste money." He winked as they went out together.

Holly held her stomach and half chuckled, half grimaced. She was going to have a hard time getting over this one.


End file.
